Crypto-woman

"We danced our youth in dreamed-of city

Venice -Paradise proud and pretty

We lived for love and lust and beauty

Pleasure then- our only duty

Floating them 'twixt heaven and earth

And drunk on plenty's blessed mirth

We thought ourselves eternal then

Our glory sealed by God's own pen

But paradise we found is always frail

Against man's fears will always fail " - Veronica Franco ( 16th century Courtesan and Poetess)

Am I really happy and confident as a Courtesan or have I programmed myself into thinking and showing I am?

Is the escort industry affecting me or I am only affected by my ego?

Am I ME or am I my alter ego, Nicole - The Modern Courtesan(escort)? What defines me- Who I am or What I do?

I have been interested in some new innovative digital technologies lately, and for some time now, doing a lot of reading and researching about it. ( yes, not exactly what you expect from an escort girl)

Attending one tech presentation last night, and not leaving straight after, but staying to mingle brought me some serious food for thought...

Who am I really? Am I happy within mine and the outside worlds? Am I scared of judgement?

What triggered that flow of thoughts, was the overwhelming discomfort I felt. I was surrounded by men- not at all unfamiliar to me, but in a that different environment, where I wasn't the one "holding the power", I panicked. Speaking about technologies or the presentation was fine, but I wasn't prepared for personal questions.

Suddenly it hit me how insecure I am feeling in the outside world these days, unlike the way I feel in my own.

Am I condemn to live a life that lacks acceptance? Did I chose this life myself or did it chose me while I was busy planning shallow achievements?

Waking up in the morning is a happy occasion for me. Everyday is a blessing .I am grateful for everything I have. I take pride in who I am as a person. But if I am so content, why is sadness crippling my mind today, what caught me into the net of those depressive thoughts?

Have I encrypted my real emotions with a happy face, and fake confidence to hide the misery?

In my entire life, I was able to stand for what I like and what I do- until now. What is different?

I never really cared about people's opinions. I was never scared of judgement or rudeness.

Why am I trembling now? Perhaps, I am only now admitting to my vulnerability. Only now realising society has its weight in everyone's life ...especially the one guilty of a wrong doing.

Whenever we are paid for providing a service, we release our rights to not be judged. Everyone in every profession, deals with rejection and judgement of some sort...but then again, I am not searching for my clients' approval. That I have. Am I in search of my own approval?

I understand the escort industry has been crucified for ages, but why is it so wrong to be an escort?

As an escort I don't really hurt anyone, I don't break the law (or at least in Europe), I do not "manufacture any defective goods"....so why is it such "hush-hush" business, and why am I scared to be open with the outside world about it?

Am I in a clear denial about my current "career path" and how it affects my soul?....Maybe, NOT conforming with the norms of society, apparently has an impact on my happiness. No matter how I try to reassure myself, no matter how many times I hear from my clients

" you are a very special, smart woman", the initial impression I was living in "Wonderland" has just collapsed right in-front my eyes.

My intelligence and maturity is in resonance of who I am as individual. I am still me, when I do my job ( escort or not). I have sometimes faked my feelings and had a reproduction of a smile on my face for the sake of business etiquette. Many times I haven't seen the need to be transparent as person and show my character to a client, but that's in both escort and "normal" life. So, what it is that make me hide my current profession?

Is it guilt?....Guilty of what, to whom? I am a free and independent, modern woman. I do not owe anything to the crowd.

My thoughts and actions and my emotions and inner reflection are completely contradicting themselves, and yet I haven't given up on either of them.

It was unforeseen circumstances and a financial dilemma that brought me to this business initially. I was desperate. Not for the basics, those I never had an issue with. I was desperate to keep living the life I was accustomed to, before my "crises" . Providing the familiar comfort to myself and my loved ones, seemed like the right thing to do.

Once I passed the initial shock of becoming an escort, and felt the freedom that lifestyle brings. I decided, I like it.

This line of work gives me flexibility I never experienced before in the "real" world. It gives me power over much. Allows me to explore not only my sexuality, but the world. Brings a new found confidence in my appearance and womanhood. I understand the Men' point of view and character much better than I ever could before. I am meeting some amazing people, who have inspired me in many aspects. I am happy and confident in my "escort day".

But, it is true - I always saw this life as a "Stepping stone". Can it be JUST a "Stepping stone" at that moment in time?

What encouraged my sadden emotions, my sadness, my insecurities? Am I now simply ready to move on, or is it the fear of moving on that froze me?

Will I feel a "withdrawal" from this industry and the "easy" lifestyle...or....I loathe the fear of rejection and exclusion when coming out of it?

I almost felt like a convicted felon. Dreaming and fighting for freedom , but scared of the world and the judgement it comes with. Having the ability to thrive in the "outside", but grieving the security of "inside". Knowing a mistake is only a lesson, but unable to convince myself - I can convince others, the lesson has been learned and the mistake is to never be repeated.

Will, for example, a men I love give me the time to prove, I can be loyal, and the past does not define my character?. Will a friend give me the benefit of the doubt and let me prove I am an amazing person and human being, despite of doing something rejected by society?

Is my escort life a Warning or a Sentence?

Some people live in "prison" their entire adult life and never truly meet the happiness they were once dreaming of, but find peace they never knew existed.

And there are some people living with freedom in every aspect of life and never find peace, even though they have the happiness they once dreamed of

At the end ....Where I stand can only be where I position myself!

Keep insisting on never having fears, will only make me more emotional. Keep longing of social acceptance, where even the Saints are being questioned when anchored in different religions, will just confuse me more. I am what I am.

There is life even after a hurricane wipes the land . All can be rebuild. Enduring a dark disaster only makes you realise the beauty of the calm blue skies and sunshine/

Keep on smiling, that too shell pass...and don;t forget to smile!

Nicole